(by Pablo Burgués)

Hi, friends, in the next weeks I’ll carry out a detailed study of the most surrealistic souvenirs that can be found here in our beloved Ibiza. And there’s no better way than starting by talking about the wonderful, unique and –according to some people– disproportionate bottle-opener phallus.

Every time I see this item I have an existential doubt: Which came first, the egg or the chicken? In other words: is this a nice useful bottle opener that has been added a big wooden prick or, on the contrary, is this a nice big wooden prick that has been added a useful bottle opener? I could spend all day long talking about this thrilling topic but I’m paid for 500 words/post and I still have many things to tell about this object, so each of us may develop the topic as s/he likes and perhaps we may go on talking on this any other day.

Well, the first time I saw this gadget was in Bali (Indonesia) and I was so stoned that I could not help but ask the nice vendor about the origin of that thing. The man told me that since time immemorial penises have been objects of worship in the Hindu religion. I replied that in the West we also worship them, but as we are a more individualist society we prefer that each person worship his own penis.

Then I asked him about the origin of that tradition and the guy told me such a crazy and psychedelic story that I’ll never make the mistake of checking if it’s true or he made it up to sell me one of his many phalluses.

It seems that many thousands of years before Christ, the god Shiva, who was very idle, wanted to try the wisdom of some monks that were quietly praying in the forest. So he disguised himself as a vagabond and came near them to check if they were able to recognize him with that appearance. To his surprise none of them was astute enough to notice that behind that man in rags the very creator of the universe was hidden. That made Shiva really angry, so he did what any deity in his right mind would do in such case: he got undressed and showed his prick to them.

As a punishment for such lack of respect the monks held that beggar and cut his male member. But, to their surprise, that piece of flesh didn’t fall to the ground but, as if it was a North-Korean ground-to-air missile, it began to fly wiping out everything in its path.  

At that point the monks became aware of what they had done and ran to goddess Parvati to ask for help. She, who was a very resolute woman, quickly took on the form of a giant vagina with which sooner rather than later she trapped and brought into line that uncontrolled nuclear warhead. So that it was never forgotten, and so no other uncontrolled prick could never come to destroy the world, the Hindu created the Lingam, a worshipping object that represents the precise moment when the sacred penis of Shiva was trapped by Parvati’s sacred vagina.


Translation: Dora Sales

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