(by Pablo Burgués)

Around 406 (after Christy), making the most of the fact that the Western Roman Empire was down in the mouth, the Vandal nation decided to get out of their comfort zone at Northern Europe and go for a walk to see what was happening all around.

It seems that these guys were not good at rhetoric and oratory, and thus they soon were forced to develop their own expression techniques. In this way a new and ground-breaking –ism was born in the old Europe: Vandalism. This communication system, hardly sophisticated beforehand, based on violence and destruction, soon made its creators stand out in the field of international relationships. The Vandals gracefully put Germany, France, Spain and much of Northern Africa upside down.  

The Vandal slaughters were so wild that it is even believed that they were the origin of the outbreak of plagues and infectious diseases associated to the thousands of unburied corpses they left in their path. That is, they were perfectionist, meticulous and fine professionals.

In 440, after 34 years of non-stop striking, those fierce strong fellows from the North decided it was time to take a short break in their successful career towards the conquest of the Mediterranean, and thus they settled in a luxurious but cheap sea-facing hotel called Carthage (current Tunis). But what was meant to be two or three days off soon turned into weeks, weeks turned into months, and months turned into years. The tabloids of the time started to say that the Vandal Street Boys were finished, that they had just been the typical One Hit Wonder band and they would never have another big success in their artistic/invading career. But nothing could be further from the truth, my friends…

On a cold morning in 455, the until then drowsy Vandal nation, leaded by someone called Genseric, decided it was time to go on tour again and show the world that they were still the real kings of Pop. So they got on their ships and almost effortlessly they plundered Rome. This indeed meant the fall of the Western Roman Empire and was the end of two centuries (and their nights) of Roman government in the Balearics. However, the change didn’t last long because in 534 the Byzantine Empire (the Barça B of the Roman Empire), which was completely fed up with so much nonsense, invaded Carthage, putting an end to all the Vandal pranks once and for all.

Then Ibiza became again a Roman province until the X century, when some cute guys with brownish skin tones, turban and goatee annexed the Balearics as part of the Caliphate of Córdobaolé! But there’s more to this than meets the eye, so I’ll tell you about it next week.

To be continued…


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Translation: Dora Sales

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